today the high school kids at church put on a fundraiser to allow parents to drop off their kids so they could go on a day date, or a night date. they had tons of people sign up and needed help watching the kids. so i signed up to get a date, and to give dates. i just got home a little while ago so i need to make this fast, before 1. my kids wake up from their naps 2. i forget the amazing conversation i had with a 4 year old while i waited to wipe her butt.
so i hung out in the nursery today, but the 4 year olds classroom needed an extra helper for 5 minutes. so i volunteered. i wasn’t in that classroom for more than 3 minutes when a little girl was talking about how she wasn’t able to wipe her own bum and that she needed her mom to help her, and so she was wondering out loud when her mom might come back. not for another hour and a half, at least. but i told her i could help her and she was delighted. as were the other volunteers who were too young to take kids to the bathroom. super.
so i go to the bathroom with this little girl. she plops on the toilet and begins to talk:
“i cannot wipe my own bum. my mom always has to help me. except when she is taking a nap. maybe i will be able to wipe my own bum when i am five. or ten. you know when i am sick with a cold, or a feber (fever, i think she meant), or a stomach ache, i have really icky poos. but do you know what helps you get better when you are sick?”
“what?” i ask her. and am amazed that she is allowing me to speak. also please note that this little girl is german and has the faintest little german accent. it’s so cute i want to throw up on her. and her poop is starting to get stinky so i really want to throw up on her. fortunately i am a professional mom, and poops don’t get me the way they get guys when they have to deal with other people’s 9read: their own off-spring’s)poos, even though they (the dads) have the dirtiest poos of all. look i have diahrea mouth just like the 4 year old!
back to her question, which was ‘do you know what can fix you if you are sick?’
“God can fix you.” she says proudly. wow! that’s awesome. this girl really knows what’s going on.
“do you know what else can fix you? soup.” again- wow!…
she continues: “my mom has a book of soup. it tells her what to put in it. there are other things in there. recipes. i don’t like them. except for the one for pizza, and spagedi, and french fries. i have a friend, heather, and he (yes, she said ‘he’) and he just eats them up! he loves french fries. they are really good, ya? (think german people!)
“did you know I have 4 panty hose and 1 pair of stockings at home?”
“no.” i honestly answer her, i really did not know that.
“i come to church every Monday, Tuesday, Thursday and Sunday.” (this is probably how she knows God and soup heals all ailments at such a young age.)
i ask her if she is part of the mom’s group that meets on Tuesdays.
“no. i am not allowed to be a part of that my mum says. i have to go to the classrooms. that’s a pretty bush,” she says, noticing the fake TREE that is in the corner of the bathroom. (let’s keep this pure people!)
we get interrupted by another little kid who needs to use the bathroom, and i did not lock the door.
“you should have locked the door,” she tells me. not at all embarrassed that someone walked in on her on the can. i apologize.
“like, you should lock the door now.” i’ve just been scolded by a 4 year old who has her skirt around her ankles.
“so, how do they have a bush growing inside? wow. i am noticing some glitter on your shoes. (there’s no glitter on my running shoes, but i thank her all the same.) i love glitter. (she is wearing VERY glittery shoes) but i am missing some glitter right here (she points to the toes of the shoes that truly have no glitter left on em.) i had tennis shoes when i was 3 years old (she puts up 3 fingers for emphasis), but i grew out of them you know. i have some leotards at home. wow, i really like that bush.”
finally she stops to breathe.
“are you all done with your poops?” i finally manage to ask. we’ve been in there for almost five minutes.
“yes!” i didn’t know she was capable of one word answers.
“do you want to try to wipe your own bum?” i ask her. hopeful.
“no, you do it. you know, always always always sometimes my mum has to wipe my bum. and sometimes my dad does it. i can’t wipe my bum by myself. i can’t wait till my hair grows and is not in my face any more. i am tired of my hair in my face all the time.”
wow. i have now wiped her tush. and i have looked in the toilet to see the biggest bowel movement come out of a child. seriously, there is the largest family of deuces sunk to the bottom of the toilet. (of course there were skid marks at the bottom of the toilet after we flushed.)this kid really had a lot of stuff to unload! physcially and verbally.
we wash our hands and exit.
wow. that is the most information i have ever received in a five minute period.
WOW. See…since my kid started forming full sentences so early I'm afraid he's going to be THAT KID in another two years…tolerable for 5 mins, but live with it and I bet it gets REALLY OLD, REALLY FAST.
This may be my favorite post ever. People in this coffee shop must wonder what is so funny that I'm repeatedly laughing out loud!